Just as solo travel is, writing this book was an act of self-love for me. It began circuitously: early this year, I did the massive endeavor of putting together my first book proposal for a longer work that I want/ed to be published by a house, and need an agent for, via the traditional publishing route. I sent it to a couple of agents who blew it off, and then I lost my heart, as my proposal sat there awaiting my revising it into a format to send to yet more people whom I was going to try to please, and basically begging them to represent me, and please choose me, and please like my work. Please like me.
This was taking place against the background constant of my life, which is frequently pitching feature ideas to editors who often reject, or deny them. This whole fabric of rejection was becoming a field of trying to link up with other people outside myself who have the power to give me (an) audience or not, and what I have to offer is on deck waiting for this perfect combination of attributes and circumstances and personality to fall into place, for me hit that magic *click* of energetically aligning with it, and meanwhile is just sitting there, waiting, and waiting.... But, locked into the mindset of the route I wanted to take, I didn’t know how to progress any further other than to keep hustling and breaking my own heart.
I went for a healing session with my friend Eva Marquez, who counseled me: “Why do you need a publisher? Is that your ego?” And the answer is: “Yes, it is.” It was. She suggested, “Why not start with an ebook? Do it in service, price it to be of service so that the people who need it most will be able to have it.”
One of my priorities for 2018 was to invest in coaching for myself, and that goal actually ended up applying to this book: towards that priority, I enrolled myself in Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass DIY coaching program. This coaching program is eight weeks long and you set a goal to be accomplished in that period of time. My ebook became my goal.
So I was doing deep personal work at the same time I was creating this book. One insight I had was this: I had given my personal power over to others to be able to realize my dreams. I had a lot of stories in my head about why it was better to have an agent and a publisher than to self-publish—there are advantages to both ways, objectively. Yet, I was using it as a B.S. excuse about what was happening within myself and the truth was, I was the one constantly rejecting myself.
Why should I expect someone else to think I was good enough to publish, if I didn’t think I was good enough to publish? Why should anyone else believe in me, if I didn’t believe in myself? If I didn’t think my work was good enough for me to stand behind my own words, and take a risk for them, why should I expect an agent or a publisher to do the same?
And that was why it was so important for me to do an ebook, and to f*cking get it done. To release it, and stop screwing around. So I did it. And it’s lo-fi, it is raw and rugged, but everything in it is true and to the point and this is the book as it was meant to exist. The fact that it is short, the facts that it doesn’t have an editor and that I couldn’t figure out how to do the table of contents on Kindle: I’ll just anticipate those right out of the box. I’ll get more polished at doing those things on my second book or my third but this is my fierce little baby lion and this is now. You can see my mistakes and what I have to learn and that’s fine with me.
Because you will also see how much I have learned. I hope that this book shows people, shows women, how much you can grow out of having to have others validate life for you, validate you as worthy. I was laughing to myself this morning that a subtitle of the book could be: How I Got This Way. The journey of creating and self-publishing the book then is actually an act that embodies the ethos of the book! In many ways, the existence of the book is its own answer. Here is a link to the book on Amazon Kindle: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DNGYWLX/ ! I hope you enjoy it. May it inspire you in your travels, in the way you interact with Earth, and in your life.